Dear dad,
It's been 7 months now. As i recall, last words you said to me was 'have a good rest son. don't overwork yourself'. The irony was, it was my turn to tell you that when i carried you 6 foot under. We never officially got to say bye to each other. Even if you did, i would never believe in it. I think generally, dad, you have indefinitely lived your life. I could not think of a more prestigious or glamourous sending off as you had. You left in ramadhan, when the soul is cleanse, when all the bad spirits have gone off for the holidays. the day you left -- It was wet, damp and but filtered with a little light of sunshine. It was almost like a sabbatical day. Everyone gathered in a circle around your tombstone. Looking bewildered, confused, sad and outstretched. Personally, on the outside i was blank but i find moments when you were convered in white sheet, tear-jerking. In the inside, i was honoured. I was glad that i had served you, and i was fillial and i was your best friend all along till the end. Me and abang carried you deep 6 foot under where you were laid to rest, returning home to where you had tend to god. Adibah and mama were in tears but they were solid as rock in heart, gazing at your end.
The day started pelting heavily however without any thunderous storm. It was melideous in a way the rain showered the dry-dying plants with water to regenerate life again. The day then ended with a warm shine, recalling the curtain back to end the show, of an exasperating night. The same night, i could not tell whether you were gone or not. Mum specifically said, let the lights in the house remain turned on the entire time for welcoming spirits. Our house was emptied of furniture that you bought, it was spacious but the vast space aggravated my loneliness. No one dared to basically converse with me, even till now, they have this supposition that i am all emotionless and speechless. However, all was not lost, as Acik sita and company waivered their time for us the whole week. it gave us the impetus needed to restart again. I saluted them for their efforts, you were so lucky, dad, to have had a sister so caring and duteous.
7 months onwards, introspectively, with time passing, i feel like life is beginning anew. I was beginning to be more involed on the frontlines with abang and mama. I am starting to score first classes in university. I am starting to social a lot more than i usually do. I feel a lot more ambitious. There's definitely a moral progression in my thinking, in my paradigm, in my school of thought. Now i have to make decisions which only you i could confer to. I have no idea what's ahead of me but i am readily amplified for what's targeting me. I am ready to be your successor. You know when you said 'Dr Muamar hadi norzan' ? that shan't be another joke, i am seriously going for it. I will do my phD just as you did.
I will succeed you dad, that'd be my first and last wish when it's my time to leave, just like you did.
Finality
I begin with a purpose,
And end,
With finality,
I think of courage,
That is preceded,
By determination
I think of a dream,
That awakens,
After reality,
I end a book,
When,
A page has no turn left,
I live if only,
Finality,
Exists,
A father,
I have,
In a dream,
A father,
I had,
In reality,
My finality,
Is to end,
When a page,
Has no turn left,
I seek courage,
After,
Determination found,
I begin a life,
Anew of purpose,
Anew of finality,
Anew of pages,
I will trespass reality,
When a dream,
Awakens after it,
In waiting i be, for now, father.
