Loneliness in this world

Loneliness is like being a little grey patch in an otherwise, big bright orange blanket. 

People look at you like, are you meant to be here? are you not part of another piece of cloth that's wrongly sewn to?

I'd like to make a claim. From the beginning of my time, living with other beings alongside me - I have always maintained that if i do good - that if i do the universe a continuous state of favors - i would be eventually rewarded. 

But life never works that way. I should know damn well it doesn't work that way. Sometimes, i wonder if it is worth sparing my kindness at all? should i reverse my nature and be damning to the end of my days?

This will seem off colour but i always believed that my loneliness is due to my ever lasting kindness. Why do i have to change my color just to be part of a whole color? why does it always have to be all orange, sir blanket?

Sometimes showing you care really furthers the gap between you and the other. 

I will not change my nature. I know what is right. Dad always believed in me. I will always stand by the right to care, to love and to cherish no matter how lonely it will make me.

i am alright being lonely, with my thoughts of dad. because kindness is something that can't be bought, so is love. It's a giveaway.

Enjoy my new poem below.

The travelling leaf

Sometimes,

life is as a leaf,

the sea you journey,

is forced,

by the caressing wind,

and the anger,

of thunder,

Sometimes,

A vertical march of rain droplets,

Will crash your sea-pathway,

And your footpaths before go astray,

Sometimes,

Roars of thunder,

Sends tremor to the –

Road you call the ocean –

The map of your destination,

Sometimes,

the glorious sun,

will heed your cries,

and show mercy,

and breath life to your,

shinning green face,

Sometimes,

you recall your tree,

whom you left,

to sail the winds,

and travel across,

oceans never crossed,

sometimes,

you know,

green are all leaf’s colors,

someday,

you know,

dark are all leaf’s colors,

sometimes,

you wonder,

if beneath the ocean,

is your stay,

someday,

you wonder,

if the tree you parted,

would show,

the road behind to return,

At all times,

You know,

You will brave the sea-steps,

At all times,

You know,

the crash of winds,

will not wither,

your body,

At all times,

You know,

Home is behind,

And the world,

Ahead.

An Introspection

It's been approximately a month since I left home for London. I've detached myself from all possible communication to attest my perseverance and resilience. I admit it has been tough withstanding this utter isolation but it is a necessitous imprisonment as I believe this forthcoming 10 months will unearth my deepest impulses. I could not determine whether what I felt was genuinely true, neither can I foresee it now.But from what I can interpret, the surface of my thoughts are scattered with plain images of her. Even scant memories that were only caught by limited glances resided in my dreams as vestige. I have attempted several times and on numerous occasions to abate my thoughts of her by meeting different female colleagues. But much to my ambivalence, all my effort has been in dire straits. It is the definite truth that I am still in love with her despite the unrequited throwback. The inevitable rejection that stammered my hopes back in late December has not dented, but ironically, reinforced my fortitude to return home with a missionary zeal. I am adamant at this point I have no intention of surrendering my greatest passion. I hope time and fate will bind with my utmost request. I won't give up.

the blue ocean,

i go to,

the echoing wave,

sounding so melodious,

I sleep within it,

into the deepest surface of it,

my heart sank,

in,

the blue ocean,

i go to,

but i think,

i am restful,

the ocean's lullaby,

shackled,

my thoughts of,

inhaling,

I cannot escape,

the blue ocean,

i go to,

But i am subsiding,

time and air,

does not want,

my heart,

in the,

blue ocean,

i go to,

i do not find a lullaby,

in time and air,

unlike the,

deepest surface,

of the blue ocean

this lullaby,

will consume,

my heart,

but i will keep,

going to,

that blue ocean,

everyday,

for,

a blue ocean,

like this,

in particularly,

you,

is what,

i go to everyday,

even if there is no,

hope,

for me to,

ascend,

from the deepest surface,

of suffocation

I think I found her

Unlike most people. I have a mind with no absolute ‘off’ switch. It’s almost like having a fixation for something. But I’m no where near clinically mental. I think I found her. It’s different this time round. I am able to discern whether or not it’s infatuation. She installs purpose in me. She restores the chasm left by dad. She doesn’t mirror me. In fact If I was a word, she’d be my antonym. The perfect sidekick.

I’ve been feeling rather lethargic recently. But I can’t sleep. My body refuses and abstains from sleep. Thus I am sleep deprived. It has been 4 days since I last had a proper 8 hour sleep. The following 4 consecutive days of long nights has rocked my daily schedule and mood. I can’t phatom my own emotions. I need something to revitalise my life.

Maybe it’s her. Maybe If I tell her my true intention. I could find my watershed.

But I can’t haste it. Must persevere.

New beginning

Dear dad,

It's been 7 months now. As i recall, last words you said to me was 'have a good rest son. don't overwork yourself'. The irony was, it was my turn to tell you that when i carried you 6 foot under. We never officially got to say bye to each other. Even if you did, i would never believe in it. I think generally, dad, you have indefinitely lived your life. I could not think of a more prestigious or glamourous sending off as you had. You left in ramadhan, when the soul is cleanse, when all the bad spirits have gone off for the holidays. the day you left -- It was wet, damp and but filtered with a little light of sunshine. It was almost like a sabbatical day. Everyone gathered in a circle around your tombstone. Looking bewildered, confused, sad and outstretched. Personally, on the outside i was blank but i find moments when you were convered in white sheet, tear-jerking. In the inside, i was honoured. I was glad that i had served you, and i was fillial and i was your best friend all along till the end. Me and abang carried you deep 6 foot under where you were laid to rest, returning home to where you had tend to god. Adibah and mama were in tears but they were solid as rock in heart, gazing at your end.

The day started pelting heavily however without any thunderous storm. It was melideous in a way the rain showered the dry-dying plants with water to regenerate life again. The day then ended with a warm shine, recalling the curtain back to end the show, of an exasperating night. The same night, i could not tell whether you were gone or not. Mum specifically said, let the lights in the house remain turned on the entire time for welcoming spirits. Our house was emptied of furniture that you bought, it was spacious but the vast space aggravated my loneliness. No one dared to basically converse with me, even till now, they have this supposition that i am all emotionless and speechless. However, all was not lost, as Acik sita and company waivered their time for us the whole week. it gave us the impetus needed to restart again. I saluted them for their efforts, you were so lucky, dad, to have had a sister so caring and duteous.

7 months onwards, introspectively, with time passing, i feel like life is beginning anew. I was beginning to be more involed on the frontlines with abang and mama. I am starting to score first classes in university. I am starting to social a lot more than i usually do. I feel a lot more ambitious. There's definitely a moral progression in my thinking, in my paradigm, in my school of thought. Now i have to make decisions which only you i could confer to. I have no idea what's ahead of me but i am readily amplified for what's targeting me. I am ready to be your successor. You know when you said 'Dr Muamar hadi norzan' ? that shan't be another joke, i am seriously going for it. I will do my phD just as you did.

I will succeed you dad, that'd be my first and last wish when it's my time to leave, just like you did.

Finality

I begin with a purpose,

And end,

With finality,

I think of courage,

That is preceded,

By determination

I think of a dream,

That awakens,

After reality,

I end a book,

When,

A page has no turn left,

I live if only,

Finality,

Exists,

A father,

I have,

In a dream,

A father,

I had,

In reality,

My finality,

Is to end,

When a page,

Has no turn left,

I seek courage,

After,

Determination found,

I begin a life,

Anew of purpose,

Anew of finality,

Anew of pages,

I will trespass reality,

When a dream,

Awakens after it,

In waiting i be, for now, father.